I haven’t been able to write for a couple of weeks, and in that time, it’s also given me a chance to reflect on what I’ve been holding on to…a whole bunch of nothing. The text and Facebook messages were filled with more negative than positive emotion. As hard as it was, I deleted them all. Every photo we shared back and forth, every meme…no matter how funny or sexy. Don’t get me wrong, the whole relationship didn’t suck, it had some great parts to it. But in the end when I took a look at the time we spent together as a whole, it just wasn’t worth hanging on to.
I still have work to do. I noticed today I have pictures up in the cloud. I will get to those next. I can’t truly move on until I’ve completely let go, and I know this. Sometimes even the biggest assholes are hard to let go of because we remember the things that made us fall in love with them in the first place…and those are all of the things that hold us back from finding what we really deserve.
I’m still not confident in myself, not enough to go out with anyone. I feel like I’m a hopeless romantic in a world full of people who only want to hook up. Like the meaning of a true relationship has gone south and I’m just going to grow old alone. I’ve just been so sad lately thinking about it. The loneliness. I long to be loved, to come home to someone who loves me the way I wish to be loved.
The photos have to be gone tonight, I can’t wait any longer. I have to rid my life of anything holding me back. I hate talking to myself. I know what I should do, it’s just so hard. The sadness I feel is so harsh, I want to crawl into a hole or fall asleep so the pain isn’t there anymore.
I’ll be back again real soon, for now, I’m of to get rid of the rest of what I have to, no matter how much I don’t want to…it’s time for me to just let go.