Thinking of you, who isn’t thinking of me

You treat me like hell, other days you treat me so good. On the good days I could look at you and see your smile and happiness in your eyes…it warmed my heart. Those were the days that made me fall deeper in love with you. I thought they were doing the same for you. I wish I would’ve known the whole time that you’ve been stuck thinking about your ex. Why would you even tell me you loved me if that was the case? Why get into a relationship if you can’t stop thinking about someone else? Do you have any clue how much it hurts me to know that??

Everything I did throughout our relationship was because I cared. I thought we were moving forward – shit, you slept here every night, so much of your stuff was here, yet you said you didn’t live here. Uhm, ok then. There was always that bit of distance that I just couldn’t figure out. Now I know why and I can’t get it out of my head. I also can’t stop kicking myself in the ass for staying so long. For loving you so much. I feel like such an idiot.

Someone I was dating a while back said to me, “I hope you end up old and alone” when I broke up with him. I’m starting to feel like that’s the way it’s going to be. I’m getting older now. I’m not in my 20’s. Every guy I’ve dated or attempted to date has either used me or ghosted me. That’s just done a number on my self-esteem. Maybe it’s me. Maybe I’m the issue. I wish I knew what I was doing. I don’t care what a guy I’m dating does…I mean, I don’t look through his phone, I don’t tell him where he can and can’t go or who he can or can’t hang out with. I like to have a date night now and again. I don’t ask for anything much more than time together…I’m not materialistic. I pay my own bills, I do the laundry, make meals, love to travel and try new things. I don’t do drama, fight or call people names.

What the hell is it about you that I’m stuck on? What is it about me that is so bad? What is it about “her” that was so good? You said she doesn’t want you back and won’t even talk to you – help me out a little here! Maybe we weren’t meant to last after all. But none of my relationships have lasted. I’m so tired of being alone. It’s a Saturday night and I’m on the couch in a sweatshirt and yogas typing away at nobody. Alone. Thinking of you, who isn’t thinking of me.

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