Everything was always peachy keen. We always laughed together, cooked together, the sex was great. Well, at least for the first few months anyhow. After that, I couldn’t tell you what the hell happened. It was like night and day! Here was this man who I would now do pretty much anything for, who I now fell in love with, turning into one of the most rude, narcissistic jerks I had ever seen. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells all the time just to keep from getting into an argument; and I wasn’t even doing anything wrong!
Over and over we would break up and get back together. It got to the point I couldn’t even talk to my friends about it because I knew what they were going to say. I knew I was an idiot for putting up with his shit. But I still took him back anyhow. Why? Good question. Things would start up again great…he would cook for me, I’d do his laundry, we would go out, the sex would be awesome, we’d spend time together. The BAM! He would have a bad day, break up with me, I honestly don’t know what would be going on to tell you the truth. He had secrets. I don’t like secrets.
When I’m with someone, I give it my all. They get my heart, my soul, all my effort, my attention. I’ve always been that way. And then I fall like a sack of bricks being thrown in the river. I feel like I’m drowning. So deep in love, feeling like he doesn’t care, doesn’t have one thought of me while I lie in bed bawling my eyes out, trying to catch my breath. You would think I would learn, but I don’t. It’s a pattern that happens over and over. A cycle that goes around and around like a merry-go-round that just won’t stop.
Did he even love me when he said it, or was he just lonely? Did I take him back out of loneliness, or because I still loved him? Do I still love him, or do I miss the thought of him? I know I don’t like the pain I felt, that’s for sure. I want normal. But then again, who can define “normal”?
I want to feel love in the same way I love someone. That much I do know.