I gave it my all, just to watch him walk away. Again

Everything was always peachy keen. We always laughed together, cooked together, the sex was great. Well, at least for the first few months anyhow. After that, I couldn’t tell you what the hell happened. It was like night and day! Here was this man who I would now do pretty much anything for, who I now fell in love with, turning into one of the most rude, narcissistic jerks I had ever seen. I felt like I had to walk on eggshells all the time just to keep from getting into an argument; and I wasn’t even doing anything wrong!

Over and over we would break up and get back together. It got to the point I couldn’t even talk to my friends about it because I knew what they were going to say. I knew I was an idiot for putting up with his shit. But I still took him back anyhow. Why? Good question. Things would start up again great…he would cook for me, I’d do his laundry, we would go out, the sex would be awesome, we’d spend time together. The BAM! He would have a bad day, break up with me, I honestly don’t know what would be going on to tell you the truth. He had secrets. I don’t like secrets.

When I’m with someone, I give it my all. They get my heart, my soul, all my effort, my attention. I’ve always been that way. And then I fall like a sack of bricks being thrown in the river. I feel like I’m drowning. So deep in love, feeling like he doesn’t care, doesn’t have one thought of me while I lie in bed bawling my eyes out, trying to catch my breath. You would think I would learn, but I don’t. It’s a pattern that happens over and over. A cycle that goes around and around like a merry-go-round that just won’t stop.

Did he even love me when he said it, or was he just lonely? Did I take him back out of loneliness, or because I still loved him? Do I still love him, or do I miss the thought of him? I know I don’t like the pain I felt, that’s for sure. I want normal. But then again, who can define “normal”?

I want to feel love in the same way I love someone. That much I do know.

3 Comments

  1. I feel your pain. Friends should always be your friends even if you make mistakes… same with boyfriends. Doesn’t tend to be the case though sometimes. I’m glad you’ve been able to come here and begin writing about these things 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you. I’ve always been friends with my exes, but this one is just a toxic human being. I wish him the best, I really do, because I know the arguments were not my fault, he blamed all of his actions, lack of emotion with me, and everything else on a past relationship. The way I see it, you either talk it out and try to get help or live in misery, but it won’t be with me! I tried, and you can’t help the unwilling. Even writing here has helped me. There’s a lot I haven’t published, but so much I have to write yet. I look at this as a lesson, and look forward to a much brighter future 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Toxic is not good. I’ve been in relationships like that in the past.
    There’s a really great blogging community here as long as it’s reciprocal. You can talk about a lot of things. I wish I would have started my blog years ago. Who knew?

    Like

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